Future Frum Girl Freaks Out

Only Jews will undersatnd---
I'm freaking. FREAKING!!! I mean really is the frum world for me? I know I am not into the secular world but I am terrified of the religious world. I once belong to a very VERY religious world and it screwed me up, bad.

The most religious of people can be the most insane, mean and evil individuals out there. I am not sure if I can do it again. But at the same time I don't want to be reform--I may as well stay a gentile and I don't want to be conservative--because there is no real community.. I crave the community and the closeness orthodox Jews seemingly have with one another.. I don't regret never having to wear pants again but I am terrified about losing my personality or being pressured into it..

Another fear.. I'll never find a mate...I am not sure if I believe in beshert, ie. soulmate--The thought is too scarey to believe that I only have one chance to find true love..I have to admit I like the Chabad in Houston but surely they are not all this way. I was leaning toward Modern Orthodox Judaism but that seems to be conservatie Judaism with a mechitza.. Is there anyone out there who can help? I fear that my orthodox family is great ad I may be disillusioned by them and their community...

I am just ranting today. I just read a Chasidic girl's blog and a few orthodox jews blogs and it made me quite nervous. Oh well I will focus on the good I know and see through my family... But I would love to hear any suggestion that any of you may have and if you know of a good orthodox community in NYC let me know so I can make a good decision on where to live and be.. Hopefully I can be apart of a frum community like theone in the above picture where everyone is open minded and fun.. We will see. Hopefully I won't crack...

TTYL..

Note: I don't feel this way about Modern Orthodoxy but alot of Orthodox Jews do.. Rock and a hard place and if one more person tells me I can be a righteous Gentile. I will scream...